Felonious Insecurities...

I've been to prison...

At the age of 16, I ran away from home and became involved in a highly abusive relationship with a local drug dealer.  He did everything to me except kill me but I was still so consumed in him.  I was 18 when detectives came knocking on my door and found drugs in my home.  I refused to make a statement against him and ended up taking the case myself.  That was a VERY ugly time in my life.  I wish I could put on a pair of ruby red slippers, click my heels three times and pretend it never happened.  But as I said before, that entire experience is a very large part of who I am and who I am becoming.

That will forever be a stigma on my life.  Despite my felony, I am going to finish my degree and transform the lives of many youth.  This part of my story is my testimony but my fear of acceptance and how other people will judge me has held me back A LOT.  Many times, I've allowed society's preconceived notions of a felon deter me from wanting more but I can no longer allow other peoples' opinions to determine my life.  I have developed a strong sense of responsibility in fulfilling my purpose and completing my story so that I can share it with others and use it for outreach.

I remember the first time my son's father put his hands on me.  He threw me to the ground, stood over me and punched me like I was another man.  He'd stop, curse me out and then knock me down again.. punch me more.  I can't even remember why he was upset that night but I know he bust my lip, twice. And my entire mouth was swollen. I was 17. No one had ever put their hands on me before.   I went to school the next day pleading with my counselor to help me.  I told her what happened and she referred me to the dean.  I sat in tears in front of her, explaining I had no where else to go and that I was in a dangerous situation.  She sat there not even looking at me.  And as she looked out the window I heard her mumble about how she could see her daughter running in late for class.  That was her concern, not me.  And then she turned me away. 

Let me say that I accept responsibility for the decisions I made, but I can't help to imagine if she would have at least heard me out, how different my life could've been.

I think about that specific situation all the time.  I've met so many young kids stuck in the streets that want to change but don't know how, don't know how to utilize the right resources or even what their resources are.  Or they're afraid to reach out for help in fear of being misunderstood and/or turned away.  I don't want to be just another face behind a desk.  I want them to look at me and know that they have a choice to change and that my heart is invested in helping them through it.

People always ask me why I go to school or how I plan to work in my field with a felony.  But this is not MY plan, this is God's plan for me.  The laws and opinions of man change all the time but His word and His promises have always remained the same.  And when necessary, those things will align to fulfill my calling, not the other way around.  My faith has brought me a very long way.  Knowing who I am meant to be propels me; to work harder...be better.  I made a huge mistake but it won't define my life in a negative way. 

That's not to say I don't become discouraged.  I do.  I have so much, at times, it's depressed me. I still struggle in confessing that I have a felony.  It still shames me.  In confidence, I try to explain to people that because of my faith, the laws of man don't apply to me and because they can't understand that, they try to get me to seek other options. That's hard to hear... that doubt.  Especially when it comes from loved ones, so I choose not to associate myself with very many people.  I can count on a single hand the number of people that truly believe in me and still have fingers left over.  That has held me back too, kept me stuck in a position of fear, limiting me from being greater than what I really am.

This is my biggest struggle, my biggest insecurity and ironically it will define my greatness.

"A lot of people will tell you you can't because they don't think they can.  They put their fears on you.  Always believe that you're great, even before anyone else believes it." - Shawn Carter