Shit Hit The Fan

September of 2007... shit hit the fan.

I was reading the newspaper, opened it up and saw my own face in the Kalamazoo's Most Wanted column.  My heart dropped to my stomach.  It was a Monday.  I'll never forget.  Ironically, I had just seen the detective from my case the Friday before at the courthouse and he stopped me to ask how I was doing.  He knew where I lived, he had been to my house and my job.  He could've easily picked me up if he wanted to. 

I immediately thought of my family.  What would they say?  They had no idea what was going on.  I barely spoke to them.  Feelings of shame and fear overwhelmed me.  That detective wanted me to know this wasn't a game and that they weren't playing around with me.  I got the message loud and clear.  I had an anxiety attack and broke down in my car.  I could barely catch my breath.

I turned myself in the next morning and was released on a personal recognizance bond.  I almost immediately lost my job.  I worked in healthcare as a CNA.  My son's father had been cheating with a co worker of mine and she took the paper around my work place.  For whatever reason, it humored her.  My supervisor expressed the concern that my coworkers and even family members of clients had seen the paper so they had to let me go.

I had a court appointed attorney who, of course, didn't seem very interested in my case or me.  I'd tell my son's father I needed a lawyer and he'd say, "They're just going to give you probation. This happened last time. You straight.  Look... if they try to send you to jail, I'mma step up and take it.  But you gon be good." 

"Last time" was when the girl he was with before me had taken a case for him.  She received probation on a deferment program and retained a clean record upon completion of her probation. That's what he thought was going to happen to me too. But this wasn't that. Even I could see that. I had federal agents at my doorstep, or whoever's doorstep I happened to be at when they wanted to speak to me.  They had a full investigation out on him AND every man he grew up with.  Other lawyers and officers I didn't even know would pull me aside and let me know that this was serious and I was in way over my head. That didn't seem to phase my son's father.  "Same shit" he'd say.  Yeah, alright.

The officers, lawyers and even the DEA would get so frustrated with me and they'd all say, "You think he gives a shit about you?! He's going to let you go down for him and you think he's going to be there for you?!! He's saving his own ass, you better save yours."  They all said it... but I never listened. Ironically, when I think of it now, those are the words that stand out the most.

They did offer me probation, though.  But only in return for a statement.  Though I had a state case, I still met with federal agents to discuss a "deal."  

"Make a statement against your son's father in return for deferment."  I said no...  "Well, do you know 'such and such'? Get close, wear a wire, find out some information and testify in return for deferment."  I declined again. They pulled the offer for probation deferment for non cooperation. I plead not guilty to the delivery and manufacturing charge and my case went to trial.......